Truffles Tonight

I want to dance today
in my red, hot, sexy shoes.
I want to dance with you!


There are these wonderfully colourful days in onces life, which one hopes will last a long time.
Today was a great day.

My mind is trying to come up with various worries out of habit, but is oddly unsuccessful...
Just thought to write how satisfied I am at this moment.

Time to make truffles!

Today's word: Temporary

There are moments in ones life, when it's clear that there is virtually no certainty. I am continuously uncertain of most things, and recently I find everything in life to be rather temporary (apart from my mum, she has no right to be anything less than a continuously present pillar by my side forever). This is of course the case with life, since life itself is temporary. However, most people do not like this manner of thinking. The insecurity is often difficult to handle.
I have gotten to this point unfortunately.
This blog seems to feel like a bit of a rant, so bear with me.

Firstly, I realized that I cannot possibly delete my past. I know of course that this is impossible to do, but there are certain memories I refuse to rid myself of. For instance, all the little pieces of someone I had relatively serious, yet temporary apparently, feelings for. Cards, letters, pictures, etc. Usually people would suggest such items to be burdens, but I am far too attached to them. Fortunately, or unfortunately.
I realize now that there are two options to my contemplations of the past:
Either Love is worth very little, since it not only ended, but ended in such a way, that the contact has been eliminated rather abruptly.
Otherwise of course, that the Love I have experienced was rather childish and although a form of love, not Love itself in all its glory. Ah how I enjoy the english language with it's lack of synonyms for this over-used little word.
The point is that I may never know.

Today I spoke to a friend about this; a good friend who understands. We have similar feelings towards love. It is probably never going to happen. Simply because we have stopped searching, hoping, even wanting. Fear is a big factor, another is the fact that it's surprisingly easy to get fed up of the pointlessness of such a massively hollywood related feeling. He does not feel that he will ever fall in love either. Been there, done that, got the bloody t-shirt. It's all too much effort now. Fun is a good idea currently.

However, regardless of tonights rather clear and simplistic thoughts, I find that I have small moments where I hope for a bit more from life. I feel as though there is no way life will cheat me from finding what is thought to be the most ideal of experiences.
It's just such a annoyingly sweet moment, when I get a simple sms (ah, today's pathetic world where an sms basically equals a love-letter) and my heart skips a beat. I blush, I smile, I feel like I could reach the skies.
Or I watch a movie, where in a scene a husband and wife are seen playing chess a simple evening, with their children playing on the second floor, and my first thought is that that is exactly what I want from life. A loving husband, a couple of little children, a house, dog, and an evening with chess, knowing things will have to be alright one fine day.
I will find love.
It will be Permanent.

I repeat thoughts from a few months back today:
If ever I experience love again, I hope it to resemble that, which was described in "Captain Corelli's Mandolin" by Louis De Bernieres:

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are...
Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."

Winter

And as they opened their unclosing eyes
ready for yet another forlorn beginning,
the stormy snows swept over their desires
freezing the moments past.

The apologies and pleadings,
the sorrows and tarnations,
the experience finally
even overtaking their loss.

The damnation becoming apparent
but fading just as quickly.
The simple pleasure of that frost,
those starlike shapes outside the window clear.

That blizard meaning more
than each second apart,
together,
or alone.

Winters commence.

Grandfather

"If one lives such a long life,
then one is definitely going to experience certain things..."

These were my Grandfather's words this morning.
I suppose that with age
one gains perspective,
understanding,
sees the truth.

Personally,
I wish bad things did not happen to good people.

Novelty

Day 1 of being an official Girlfriend:

Pizza.
Adorable confessions.
A little bit of Truth.
A lot of Passion.
It has been a long time since I smiled so much.


Day 2 of being an official Girlfriend:

Confusion.
Misunderstadings.
Bitter-sweet.
This is exactly why I avoid relationships.
Still happy to have such an adorable Boyfriend though.


Day 3 of being an official Girlfriend:

A bit of stress.
Slightly bad mood.
Cute Boyfriend helps.
Girlfriend-like duties come into mind.
Difficult weathers storming, may need a hug soon.


Awaiting Day 4 of being an official Girlfriend.

Adorable

There is someone out there
who deserves a thank you today.

This someone
makes strange loud sounds.
He panics on occasion about pety facts of life.
Wonders and questions,
desperately trying to place me in a logical box.
He flirts at all times with far too many.
Wears ties nearly each day.
Is obsessed with "Nora".
Wakes me up far too early as often as he can.
And is entirely useless on the phone.

He helped last night.
He made me feel better.
Not that much has changed since last night,
but he gave me a bit of hope I suppose.

I like him.

Irony

I need this last year to die.
I need 2006 to end it's journey in both reality, as it has, and in my mind, which I find difficult to accomplish.

2006 was incredibly tiresome.
Difficult.
Scary.
Lonely.
My entire view of life was altered.
I learned to be more cautious and less trusting.
More fearful and less interested.
More sad and less hopeful.

I used to believe that the perfect man would sweep me off my feet.
He would save me from my fears.
Stay with me till the day I die.
Love me without condition.
Bear with each of my faults.
Adore my quircks.
Listen.

Tonight, I feel as though I've been raped of my youth.
Of my childish hopes and wants.
My innocence and smiles.

I realize that my complaints are selfish and incredibly indecent
considering the amount of people who suffer much worse fates.
There is no excuse for them, I hope to be less fivolous in the future.

Nonetheless,
I feel entirely pathetic tonight.
Entirely dismayed and almost cheated by Life, by God, by Luck.
Whatever it is that decides out destinies.

When did I lose my hope?
When did I adopt the notion that another human is entirely incapable of loving me the way I felt I needed it?
When did I stop wanting a husband, children, and home?
When did I stop believing in love?

Now I simply rely on myself and at times my parents.
I ignore the possibility of a man being able to support me.
It seems impossible.
It seems he will fail.
It seems that they all fail.
So why hope?

I am certain that many of you would think me childish, immature, and only 19.
It is true.
Entirely true.
But after a lenghty relationship, I find myself lost.
Incapable of defining simple words.
The simplest ones one can ever imagine:
Relationship.
Boyfriend.
Love.

I know it seems love is so hard to define for most of us, but what about my parents and grandparents?
They managed.
Why can't I?!
Why have I lost it in me to believe in the most ideal things.
Simple things.
Things I deserve.

All I wish for is to be at ease with myself.
To fine someone to love.
And live a decent, simple life.

It is ridiculous how difficult that seems.
Scary to think that one experience changed my entire perspective.
Destroyed my belief in love.

I am lost.

Yet somehow, I keep wishing for a saviour.
Exactly that, which I do not believe exists.

Resolutions

Welcome to the year 2007!

Yet again we begin with an entirely clear slate.
It is almost virginal.

Last night was far more successful that I had expected.
One of my resolutions
seems to have been resolved on New Year's Eve itself.
I have made peace with an individual
who I never expected to have any relation with.

I had a (drunken) conversation with another
who is becoming more importat to me everyday.
I believe things were resolved there too.
Specifically that I do not want to stress our situation.
I want to enjoy each minute with him.

However,
there are also other resolutions for this new year.

I have decided to diminish the stress.
Each week I will do one thing for myself
to entirely relax.
I will also organize my study schedule
and truly attempt following it.

I will focus more on my career,
something I should have been doing more in 2006.
I shall diminish my worrying about...
Men. Relationships. Men.
Become more patient so to speak.


Typical New Years resolutions.
My only hope is that this year is better,
more successful, less stressful,
and much more relaxed in terms of relations
than 2006 was.
I hope 2007 resembles that
which I have felt the last two months of 2006.