Irony

I need this last year to die.
I need 2006 to end it's journey in both reality, as it has, and in my mind, which I find difficult to accomplish.

2006 was incredibly tiresome.
Difficult.
Scary.
Lonely.
My entire view of life was altered.
I learned to be more cautious and less trusting.
More fearful and less interested.
More sad and less hopeful.

I used to believe that the perfect man would sweep me off my feet.
He would save me from my fears.
Stay with me till the day I die.
Love me without condition.
Bear with each of my faults.
Adore my quircks.
Listen.

Tonight, I feel as though I've been raped of my youth.
Of my childish hopes and wants.
My innocence and smiles.

I realize that my complaints are selfish and incredibly indecent
considering the amount of people who suffer much worse fates.
There is no excuse for them, I hope to be less fivolous in the future.

Nonetheless,
I feel entirely pathetic tonight.
Entirely dismayed and almost cheated by Life, by God, by Luck.
Whatever it is that decides out destinies.

When did I lose my hope?
When did I adopt the notion that another human is entirely incapable of loving me the way I felt I needed it?
When did I stop wanting a husband, children, and home?
When did I stop believing in love?

Now I simply rely on myself and at times my parents.
I ignore the possibility of a man being able to support me.
It seems impossible.
It seems he will fail.
It seems that they all fail.
So why hope?

I am certain that many of you would think me childish, immature, and only 19.
It is true.
Entirely true.
But after a lenghty relationship, I find myself lost.
Incapable of defining simple words.
The simplest ones one can ever imagine:
Relationship.
Boyfriend.
Love.

I know it seems love is so hard to define for most of us, but what about my parents and grandparents?
They managed.
Why can't I?!
Why have I lost it in me to believe in the most ideal things.
Simple things.
Things I deserve.

All I wish for is to be at ease with myself.
To fine someone to love.
And live a decent, simple life.

It is ridiculous how difficult that seems.
Scary to think that one experience changed my entire perspective.
Destroyed my belief in love.

I am lost.

Yet somehow, I keep wishing for a saviour.
Exactly that, which I do not believe exists.