Today's word: Temporary

There are moments in ones life, when it's clear that there is virtually no certainty. I am continuously uncertain of most things, and recently I find everything in life to be rather temporary (apart from my mum, she has no right to be anything less than a continuously present pillar by my side forever). This is of course the case with life, since life itself is temporary. However, most people do not like this manner of thinking. The insecurity is often difficult to handle.
I have gotten to this point unfortunately.
This blog seems to feel like a bit of a rant, so bear with me.

Firstly, I realized that I cannot possibly delete my past. I know of course that this is impossible to do, but there are certain memories I refuse to rid myself of. For instance, all the little pieces of someone I had relatively serious, yet temporary apparently, feelings for. Cards, letters, pictures, etc. Usually people would suggest such items to be burdens, but I am far too attached to them. Fortunately, or unfortunately.
I realize now that there are two options to my contemplations of the past:
Either Love is worth very little, since it not only ended, but ended in such a way, that the contact has been eliminated rather abruptly.
Otherwise of course, that the Love I have experienced was rather childish and although a form of love, not Love itself in all its glory. Ah how I enjoy the english language with it's lack of synonyms for this over-used little word.
The point is that I may never know.

Today I spoke to a friend about this; a good friend who understands. We have similar feelings towards love. It is probably never going to happen. Simply because we have stopped searching, hoping, even wanting. Fear is a big factor, another is the fact that it's surprisingly easy to get fed up of the pointlessness of such a massively hollywood related feeling. He does not feel that he will ever fall in love either. Been there, done that, got the bloody t-shirt. It's all too much effort now. Fun is a good idea currently.

However, regardless of tonights rather clear and simplistic thoughts, I find that I have small moments where I hope for a bit more from life. I feel as though there is no way life will cheat me from finding what is thought to be the most ideal of experiences.
It's just such a annoyingly sweet moment, when I get a simple sms (ah, today's pathetic world where an sms basically equals a love-letter) and my heart skips a beat. I blush, I smile, I feel like I could reach the skies.
Or I watch a movie, where in a scene a husband and wife are seen playing chess a simple evening, with their children playing on the second floor, and my first thought is that that is exactly what I want from life. A loving husband, a couple of little children, a house, dog, and an evening with chess, knowing things will have to be alright one fine day.
I will find love.
It will be Permanent.

I repeat thoughts from a few months back today:
If ever I experience love again, I hope it to resemble that, which was described in "Captain Corelli's Mandolin" by Louis De Bernieres:

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are...
Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."