Avoiding Torment

"The indifference of men, far more than their tyranny, is the torment of women."
(Quote by Jules Michelet.)

How much our perpectives differ.
How quickly our passions meet.
How clearly our paths lead away from one another.
How blindly our touch lacks resistance.

The words that have been said,
the vulnerability that has become so placid:
Each taste a difficult reminder of the past,
yet each a branding moment of irreproachable clearity.

It depresses
and enchants.
Breaks
and empowers.


It is entirely incredible the effect
a man can have upon a woman.
She will laugh more at his tiresome jokes;
cry more at each moment he faulters.
She will live up to his expectations,
yet hope to portray someone apathetic.

She will evaluate, discuss, and analyze
each of his irrelevant remarks.
Die a little each time
he cares less for her than she expects.
Hate each person
who insults her Man.

Us educated, intelligent Women,
those who may one day rule the world:
even we
are swept away by...
possibly hollow words.
Entirely pointless thoughts.
And a world of hopeless hope.

It pains me to see us women
so entirely under the
spell
of another being.
A Man.
The Man.

Ah the definite article.
I will pretend I am not one of these women.
I will attempt an aloof demeanor as long as I can.
I will be indifferent.

"Of all heavy bodies, the heaviest is the woman we have ceased to love."
(Quote by Pierre Edouard Lemontey.)

Questionable Desire

If I was but the definition of a Woman.

The Smell of my hair a drug.
The Touch of my lips a wish.
The Sound of my steps a dream.

My Desire His want.
My Love His need.
My Hope His ambition.

Moments with me pure splendour,
a lasting wish fulfilled.
Moments without me depressed,
tarnation and sorrow.

I wonder if this desire of mine
is entirely mine.
Or if it is a search
of all Women in their Men.

Travel Plans

I spent the past few minutes compiling a list of countries I have visited or lived in:

Bangalore, India (Place of birth)

Szczecin (primarily), Poland (6 years)
Berlin (primarily), Germany
Paris, France
Amsterdam, Holland
Lisbon, Portugal
Tennesee and Florida, USA
(New Delhi etc. India)

Vilnius (Primarily), Lithuania (4 years)
London, UK
Copenhagen, Denmark
California, USA
Bucharest, Romania
Tallinn, Estonia
St. Petersburg, Russia
Tenerife and Madrid, Spain
Rome, Italy
(New Delhi etc. India)

Göteborg and Jönköping (currently), Sweden
Various cities around Poland
Rhode Island, Greece
(New Delhi etc. India)

This is my list, as far as I can recollect.
(I have omitted multiple visits to certain countries, such as the UK, and rather short and seemingly irrelevant visits to others.)

I realize that as a child, I remember minimal ideas and thoughts from my travels.
The travelling increased severely while we lived in Lithuania though,
and at this point I travelled alone rather than with family quite a lot.
Finally, my recent travels have decreased severely.
I cannot decide
if this is caused by the lack of will
and general boredom related to the thought of travel,
or if it is just a lack of time due to the increasing workload.

However,
regardless of this temporary decrease,
I find myself drawn to various countries.
I find I should list them along with my reason for the plausible visits
and check them off as they come along:

Fiji (Heat)
China (Communism is...difficult to comprehend)
Japan (Strict cultural ideaologies)
Egypt (The Sphinx, the pyramids, and civilization)
Canada (Social systems at its best)
Ireland (Irish accents)
Monaco (Riches)
Belgium (Capital of all Uniformity it seems)
Scotland (Kilts...)
Australia (Christmas on the beach: my ideal ideal)
Mauritius (Hot and beachy)
Switzerland (The Country of My Dreams)
Luxembourg (Exquisitely and wonderfully small)
New Zealand (Cows)
Easter Island (UFO or man-made statues, I ask you?)
Democratic Republic of Congo (Ifluenced by a V.S. Naipaul novel)

These are the countries I absolutely must visit.
Naturally, there are numerous others
that have grabbed my attention.
I suppose I must increase my travels soon!

An Ode to Food (and Much Else...?)

I realize now
that it is not only wonderful company
(although today's was nearly flawless),
but also brialliant food and wine
that makes a party incredible.

I find myself absolutely taken
and in admiration
of the Chef at Peacock.
I have not yet had the opportunity
to taste all the dishes, which I hate most, in such glory.

I am impressed.

Further, being Christmas and All,
I must go against all the Christly matters,
and state that I received a perfect Present!
Manicure plus Pedicure at Panache...
Expensive and Materialistic me...Sexy! Usch!

Wonderful...

As life is seemingly improving,
I feel myself falling into a small pit of worry.
"Oh! Will he be there?!
I don't want him there!
No, I lie, I so do want him there!
No. I do Not!
Oh yes, I truly Do!" (etc.)

It's constant...
New Years appears to be stressful.
However,
I made the decision not to care or question,
to just...See.

What if that is exactly the mistake I am making?
Damn this worry!
Damn this worry to hell!
Goodbye forever!

I have got to stop drinking...

"When it's all you've got..."

"Tell me your secrets,
I'll tell you mine..."

There is something so soft about tonight.
I feel alive.
I want to Sing and Smile.
Dance and Love!

I am continuously feeling this urge,
a distinct current in the direction of a Song.
It is truly incredible in how short a while
this song has begun moving my Mind.

Listening to it reminds me of Air.
Of Freedom.
Of a little moment away from reality.
Of someone who means a little bit more to me.

"You make me crazy,
but I want you still..."

There is something about the recent moments...
Maybe it is the simple talk
or lack of truth,
it may be the simple desire.

I want to Share myself tonight.
Give a piece of my Soul to someone.
Breathe my Thoughts into another.
Love with everything I can.

I want a friend, a lover
a child, a love.
I want a life.
Maybe even Live for someone.

"We've got all night,
let's take our time.
Tell me your secrets,
I'll tell you mine.
When it makes us feel better,
call it love."

(Lyrics from "Call it Love" by Poco)


A rare moment in my life:
I wish for something I may regret tomorrow.
However, I choose to ignore that tonight,
and simply let my Smiles continue...

Dreamers

"She had a passion for secrecy, but she herself was merely a Sphinx without a secret."
(Excerpt from "The Sphinx without a Secret" by Oscar Wilde)

I have often heard,
that I am rather secretive,
mysterious to be precise.
Generally, this proves to my benefit.
The truth is that I have few secrets,
which the public would find decent to hear.
They are rather depressing,
scary,
or simply uninteresting.

Recently I developed a rather sweet,
adorable,
and extremely smug
Secret.
If it was not for all the caresses,
the innocent play,
honest portrayals,
and simple notice,
I would finally have given up.

I feel like I can Dream again.
Hope.
Wish.
Toy with ideas,
without having to abandon them.
Regardless of my temporary fears,
an Angel is watching upon me,
wishing me to defeat all the negativity;
Prove that fear is but an illusion.

I think it's working...

Truth

I have wonderful Friends.
It's hard to explain how thankful I am for them.

There is a lovely girl,
who always listens to what I say,
yet gives minimal advice.
She sings with me,
and screams curses in Polish
at random people with me.
She is the one who makes me Laugh.

There is an intelligent woman,
who will never stop wondering with me.
She will question and discuss and argue,
she will pace the avenue at top speed at my side.
She'll always be the one who lays on the green
and searches the stars for a little bit more.
She allowed me to Believe.

There is an adorable guy,
who always listens to me whine.
He allows me to speak to my heart's content,
then advises me to do what I feel is best for myself.
He has seen me in my best and my worst moments.
He knows what it's all about.
Regardless of his Fame, I will see him as a Saviour.

There's a beautiful woman,
who will always put a smile on my face.
She discusses measurements and sizes,
and even Santa at the end of a dirty conversation.
She cries in her moments of fury
whilst discussing the little Eskimo who could.
She insists on making me Smile at all times.


Writing about these people,
ones who have given me more than I can imagine,
is difficult.
It's hard to discuss the most important things in my life.
Words are never satisfactory.

I cannot explain to you,
how I want to hug a friend who has been away for months.
I can't describe how happy I am when I can talk.
Truly talk, discuss, weep, cry, or laugh
with the people I believe I can trust.
It's honest.
It's perfect.
It's me.

So today,
I would like to thank these people,
who have introduced me to Trust,
to Love,
and to Friendship.
Thank You.